Help My Girlfriend Found A Photo Of My Ex and Me!

24 Nov 2010

Imagine this scenario:

One day out of the blue, your girlfriend/wife/steady partner whom you’re in a committed relationship with, happens to stumble upon and finds a memorabilia or two from a past relationship, say… a photo of you and one of your exes, looking all lovey-dovey while on overseas vacation together; or a garter belt/underwear/other intimate items left behind by an ex; or in today’s digital age, suggestive text messages and/or emails describing steamy trysts once shared with a former lover. It is irrelevant to explore factors such as how the relationship with this ex/lover ended or who dumped who, because we know that the relationship is already dead and you have moved on (or at least the expectation is such). However, while logically acknowledging that these knick-knacks were products of the past, your present partner naturally regards them as undesirable, emotionally. And for these unwanted items to still be lingering around in some unvisited nook and cranny is unnecessary and insensitive. In three small alphabets: WTF. Perhaps you are ‘too busy’ and never got around to cleaning up your shit? Perhaps you are a retard and need help in finding the Delete button or the Trash icon? Or perhaps you are blind (gasp!) and cannot see the garbage can?

That’s alright. Whatever handicap you’ve been inflicted with and regardless of the reason why you have not gotten rid of these offensive items, I am here to suggest how to turn this potential ugly war into a golden opportunity with a happy ending. *winkz* We all luuuuuuurv happy endings, don’t we?

If you are A SMART GUY:

You will immediately take advantage of this situation to earn brownie points for yourself, instead of a silent treatment and cold shoulder. This is the perfect chance (the golden ticket!) for you to display your affections, in a Grand Gesture, to your girlfriend. You know very well how women are suckers for grand displays of affection *uh huh*. Grand Gestures particularly work well for those of you who are smart BUT normally can’t express your feelings or emotions well, or find it extremely awkward to be romantic.

You need to realize something, your girlfriend finding these items is not a mere coincidence. In fact, the Universe is acting as your ally at this time and you are so bloody fortunate to encounter this situation!!! Lady Luck is totally smiling down upon you. Because you have neither the general aptitude, imagination nor creativity to even script such events! That makes this situation super duper for you. Otherwise, under what other circumstances would you have been able to do the following?

1. [for paper media] Tear up the offensive lovey-dovey photo or lovenote into pieces, right in front of your girlfriend. Oh yes, tear that shit up. Followed by tossing the accompanying photo frame right into the garbage can. And loudly declare, “GOOD RIDDANCE! You know you are the only one for me, honey/baby/sweetie/sexy.” If you are inclined to do this with even more dramatic flair, bust out a lighter and lit one corner on fire, then together watch the photo/lovenote be engulfed in flames and disintegrate into crumply yucky black carbon debris. Follow with same declaration. (If you were the dumper of this ex, you are also allowed to mutter a silent farewell; if you were the dumpee, you can vocally and genuinely curse at this ex during this time. Use bad words.)

2. [for digital media on computer] Sit your girlfriend on your lap, in front of the computer and aim one finger towards the keyboard. Then press firmly -really firmly- onto the Delete button, slow-motion encouraged, and Bing! Offensive email sucked into the blackhole and gone forever. Hasta la vista, baby! (Make sure this deletion covers all backup copies as well.) May I suggest, alternatively, that you guide your girlfriend’s finger with your hands and let her claw dainty finger do the deleting? Ala Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore in that classic “Ghost” pottery wheel scene. Now that’s hawtt!

Oh, my love
My darling
I’ve hungered for your touch
A long lonely time~~~

*spin spin spin*

*delete delete delete*

K, moving on.

3. [for digital media on mobile phones] Hand over your mobile phone to girlfriend, with both hands as though you’re making an offering to God, and invite her to trash the offensive text messages. She will gladly accept this invitation, so sit back and watch her face while she does this. What you will see is her transformation into a female samurai beheading her enemies with her sharp steely blade. Slash! Trash! Schwing! She looks to be ruthless and shows no mercy, but not really, she’s just housekeeping actually. Women are supposed to be domestic creatures, aren’t they? How can you avoid being next on her chopping block not fall in love with a woman like her? Ignore the green glow that appears to be emitting out of her retinas, that’s just your imagination.

The most important thing to remember is, don’t say anything. Not even a word. Don’t explain, or justify, or whatever. JUST DO IT. PROVE IT IN ACTIONS. Coz you know, things that are from the past, belong to the past and ought to stay in the past. When it’s time to let go, it’s time to let go (so just trash all associated mofos and move the fuck on already). By applying any of the above suggestions, smart guys like you will not only successfully get rid of past cobwebs, you will at the same time also appease, reassure, reinforce your commitment to your girlfriend via actions and instill more confidence + stability towards your relationship ALL AT ONCE. Talk about efficiency! How wonderful is that? *cue a choir of angels in the background* She will melt upon witnessing (and participating in) such indisputable display of your devotion towards her and only her. And you know what happens to your relationship when girlfriend is reassured + confidence regained + harmony restored + security reinforced = BLISSSSSSSSSSS. (Remember this formula. Coz bliss is sorta synonymous for lotsa hawtt happy sex.)

Equilibrium is safely tucked into your back pocket again and you both can now kiss, tongue wrestle, grab each other’s asses and ride off into the sunset together happily ever after. (Or you can ride each other, whichever you happen to be in the mood for.) How’s that for a happy ending eh?

*cue a choir of angels again in the background*


If you are A RETARD:

You probably fall into this category because… What’s that? You don’t know anything about Grand Gesture? Never heard of it?!?!?! @_@ Dude, you need to crawl back into your diapers and watch how the big boys pull off Grand Gesture. (Scroll back up and read the Smart Guy section again.) Believe me, you will want to know about Grand Gesture. Because in very very simple and basic terms, No Grand Gesture = No Kittycat.

In consideration of your idiocy, towards the situation on hand you most likely display one or a combination of these reactions: Become paranoid. Start breaking out in cold sweat. Stutter. Mumble. Spew out some lame excuses. Conjure some outta-this-world unbelievable story. Act confused. Walk away. Ignore the situation. Ignore girlfriend. Lose your temper. Be defensive. Do not understand English.

Well then, CONGRATULATIONS!!! You have just opened for yourself a can of whoopass and no bomb shelter in the world can protect you from the hailstorm of prison-style interrogation that’s going to befall on you. Be prepared to explain what the fuck are such memorabilias still hanging around for and what fucking sentimental value are they supposed to be have, what purpose do they fucking serve, how can you be so fucking insensitive, and so on and so forth. There will be lots of expletives. Mad ugly. And if you have to ask why? It’s because you’re a gawd dayamn retard! And you’ve let the golden ticket slip through your hands. Sorry, there’s no reward for being a moron, really. And don’t even think of holding or caressing her in her sleep or initiating any form of skin contact, because you’re gonna get your ass kicked out of the bedroom. May I remind you again:

No Grand Gestures = No Kittycat

My only advice for you is: Better luck next time, asshole.

(Oh, if you’re not ‘too busy’ maybe you can find time to go back to Relationship School and take the class “How to Please Women: Grand Gestures 101”.)

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