Birthday 2012

Another year has gone by and my birthday had arrived once again. How the heck has time flown by so quickly?!?!?! On one hand, I feel that nothing much has changed. Particularly because last year some major crappy chit took place and I’m so sick of dealing with it for months and months without reaching closure. I will say that overall I want to trade that old toxic chit in for some new happy chit. Too bad there isn’t some giant time/people eraser or a magic wand that I can flick to make the conflicts go away or for situations to change/improve overnight. Big effin’ deal; even on the day of my birthday itself I was embroiled in some bullshit drama that drained mekemotionally (but that’s not new news). Then again, that’s the result of choices which I’ve made for myself so I have to absorb the consequences alone. Some days I can live with it, while at other times I kick and scream petulantly wishing to live in an alternate dimension and space.

But when I step back and look at the bigger picture of things though, I can’t deny that there’s been PLENTY of blessings and I feel extremely lucky + grateful to be receiving so much love from everywhere and everyone. The one thing I’d like to continue reminding myself is this: Positive Living. Well, that has always been the intention anyway. But to be actually doing so requires daily practice and constant centeredness, which I admit isn’t easy to do. It’s all in the mind. *ZEN, ZEN* So there. Glad about stepping into a new age or not, turning a year older naturally carries the promise of growth so baby steps I shall take. Starting with cry-no-mo’. Right here, right now. Turning a year older, I can only wish for a year wiser happier. :)

I refuse to stress myself out with the heavy emotional stuff as everything else is pretty hunky-dory and I know I am blessed. I guess this is some sort of fucked-up balance, where one area of life is crazy awful and sometimes-feels-like-the-worst-existence-ever, while other areas are superbly fantastic and outta-this-world amazing.

I have contemplated dialing up my rants more publicly just so I can get it out of my system and feel better about it all. After all it has never been in my nature to be so repressive of my feelings but with respect towards certain individuals and past events, I realized I have become a quiet little mouse in the last couple of years. Sucks really. I don’t want to end up being bitter, jaded, self-absorbed or dead inside, like some people I know, although it’s looking like I’m becoming one. Scary. Then again, what’s the point of speaking out and exposing it all… as this shit will pass quietly one day, just like all else. I’m just gonna ride it out as peacefully and quietly as I can, and go with the flow. Fuck overthinking stuff because it’s just a waste of energy.

Oh, I’ve even invented a word for this. “Un-stuckify”.

So in light of all that’s taken place and what’s coming ahead, I’m going to continue trucking forward and living my life as authentically and best as I can. Anyway, it’s never been all that bad. It’s all good. :) And I fucking deserve every happy second of it.